How to Survive a Horror Movie

Man Crates is a company that provides themed wooden crates filled with gifts geared towards men which require a crowbar to be opened (though we are sure there are plenty of ladies out there that would love them as well). They have reached out to us and several other bloggers to write up a list of items that we would include in a horror movie survival kit. As fans of everything horror related we felt the best angle to approach the question was to include items that could be used in as many scenarios as possible. Perhaps we are lost out in the woods with a group of friends whose interests and strengths are instantly identifiable due to their appearance and we are all being picked off one by one by a masked psychopath or crazed family of cannibals. Maybe we find ourselves trapped in the midst of an apocalyptic zombie outbreak. We could even go on vacation only to find that the house we rented is inhabited by soul sucking demons or there’s a den of vampires in the basement. We want to be sure that no matter which scenario we encounter the items in our box will ensure our survival.

1. Utility Belt: As we were listing all of the items we would want handy there were multiple weapons or every day survival items that made the cut. So rather than have a pile of items that we would have to lug around with us and probably get us killed we looked to Batman. We would want our very own horror movie survival utility belt. The belt would hold everything that may be helpful in a horror movie from basic items like a flashlight, pepper spray, holy water and small sharp pure silver blades (good for killing zombies, vampires and werewolves!) to explosives and a flare gun (fully loaded of course) which serves the dual purpose of a weapon and a call to help in the event that the cell phone is out of service. May as well throw the bat-a-rang on the belt too while we’re at it.

2. Idiots Guide to Boobytraps: Let’s say we are in a scenario where we are trapped in a house. Maybe there’s a horde of zombies outside or a deranged killer is trying to break in. It would be in our best interest to be able to use the items around us to protect the house Home Alone style. It worked for Nancy in A Nightmare on Elm Street and the Carter family in The Hills Have Eyes so that’s good enough for us. Therefore a small pocket sized boobytrap guide would be a must have. If I want to be able to rig up a sledgehammer I found in the basement to smash in the face of anyone who comes through the front door then a step by step easy to follow manual would be key to a quick, easy and successful setup.

3. A Final Girl: As a couple of guys who watch a lot of horror movies we run a high risk of becoming really cocky really quickly, failing to realize that the one thing we really need to rely on to survive a horror movie is a final girl. Anyone who has watched enough horror movies knows that one of the biggest tropes out there is the final girl. She’s the one that has the strength and the smarts to make it all of the way to the end. She goes to hell and back and still manages to walk away victorious. Therefore, we would need a final girl to stick to like glue to help ensure our own survival. However, just any old final girl won’t do. We need one that can survive as many scenarios as possible and save our cocky asses when we are on the brink of death. We need Linda Blair. Not the actress, but all of her characters melded into one bad ass final girl. Let’s run through a few possible scenarios. Slasher movie??? Check! She survived Hell Night where not only was she a solid final girl she was also an expert auto mechanic with the ability to fix that pesky non-starting car. Demons??? Check! She was possessed by a demon claiming to be THE DEVIL and survived with only a few measly scars. Let’s not forget she also survived prison and single-handedly took out a vicious gang. She even survived Roller Boogie and those roller discos are terrifying.

So those are the 3 items we would want included in our survival kit. It’s a short list but we believe all inclusive with the essentials. The simplest plan of action would be to just give the first two items to our final girl and let her protect us until the end credits.